Kale Chips!

So today is weigh in day and I am at 276lbs. I was hoping for more but am not working that hard for it I must admit. I have been exercising sparatically and sometimes caving into my cravings. Ice cream is the devil...even it it is non fat/no sugar....I'm also hungry 90% of the time....I wish I could figure out why I'm so self sabatoging. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to climb stairs and not be out of breath. I want to feel good about myself again. I want all this yet I'm not exercising like I should be. When I'm off of work I tend to eat out. I am hurting no one but myself I know. I have a million excuses! Every week I vow to do better and every week I suck! During the work week I do great. Make all my lunches and dinners all perfectly poirtioned out. Every calorie counted! Everything weighed!  But then.....my days off I eat like a monster! WTH!! I don't even know why this happens. I need to knock it off and be good to myself....for myself!
The funny thing is a lot of people I work with are telling me oh goodness I can see you have lost so much already...well thats nice and all but I don't see it. I still feel 330lbs and I still see 330lbs when I look in the mirror. I honestly think they are just trying to be encouraging but I wish if they are serious that I could see it.....
One another note...I have a new passion! Kale chips! They are delicious and healthy and soooo easy to make. They satisfy my salt cravings and even my 12 year old nephew likes them and he wouldn't touch healthy food if I paid him....which I have tried to do by the way.....I just made a batch today and packed them for my midday snack. Sooo yummy!

Weigh in and other thoughts

I have not had a chance to blog in a while so I have a lot to say so please forgive me now. I had 2 weigh ins since my last blog. My first one was 43lbs down at 287.6. Yesterday weigh in was 282.8! That's 48lbs down. I am excited but.....I am dreaming of reeses peanut butter cups!!!! I want CHOCOLATE! I am obssesed with reading the blogs so to steal a line from Lap Band Gal, I'm fighting the good fight but.... sometimes I feel weak. I want to give in. I want to eat a entire 8 pack of reeses peanut butter cups like I used to....sick isn't it? I haven't indulged myself but I almost feel like I'm a faliure just for thinking about it....ok obbsessing about it.....hell dreaming about it. I am eating more now since my last fill (finally off mushies!!) but within 2 hours I'm hungry again. I prolong it and eat later then that but its frustrating. My work schedule is odd so I have my breakfast at about 3pm. Then lunch at about 8pm. Then dinner at 3am. I work 3pm-11pm then go to my second job 11pm-7am. My doctor said 3 meals a day and1-2 protein shakes. I find I need at least a cheesestick at about 12am to get me through. Sometimes I even split my lunch in 2 to get through to 12am. I will eat at 6:30pm half my lunch then 8:30-9pm I have the rest of my lunch. Do you think this is wrong? I need help here please....  I know I said I would suck it up but I feel like whinning today. I am very happy with my loss so far and I knew it would be hard and a looong journey but sometimes you just gotta whine.
I have 2 confessions to make...I have an obsession with eating fat reduced moose tracks ICE CREAM! A slider for sure but in my defense...I do write it down and include it in my calories for the day.It is still terrible and I must go to ice cream anonymous! I have it once a week! Ridiculous! Also I have not exercised all week except my 2 walks around the building at work with my nurse friends. Terrible I know. I am going to fail out of LBU....(Lap Band University) and I have excuse after excuse. Its all just a excuse and I know it....I have promised myself to do better this week and from now on.....No fingers crossed behind my back or anything!
On another note I had a NSV. I brought a dress for my sisters graduation and it was a size down from what I was pre surgery! AND I FELT GOOD IN IT! I felt great in it actually. That was the best part of my week.

My First Fill

I had my first fill today. It sucked! My port has moved and the doctor said every fill I have will have to be done down in Radiology so they can see it. Eventually they will attach it back on to the muscle but for now it is turned and they have to push and push to get to it. I am already bruising.....oh well. The needle didn't hurt at all but I think thats because Dr is great. I didn't even know the needle went in. He filled me completely and that was a interesting feeling. I then had to drink the disgusting liquid so they could see the movement on the scope. It was cool to see the fluid go through the band. Got to see everything and loved that.  The only thing that annoyed me a bit is I asked how many CC's he put in and Dr said "enough". Wth is that answer? I weighed in this Wednesday and I am down to 291.6. I was happy with the loss. 39lbs down! I have to constantly remind myself this is a tool.....not a magic wand! I didn't climb to 330lbs in 6 weeks. I'm damn sure not going to lose it fast. I'm happy with any loss. I am looking forward to NSV's to. I had my first one! I put on a bra that had never fit around me and it was comfortable. I was so excited about that. My hubby is great too. He is doing p90x. The other day we did the Yoga one together and it kicked my butt.....yoga! How can yoga kick your butt you ask? Trust me I was sweating by the end and my DH was great. He cheered me on the whole time we did it together. I also signed up for/went to my first Jazzercise. I really enjoyed it.

Temptation

Sorry I never got to post for weigh-in-Wednesday. I lost 2 pounds bringing me to 34lbs lost total. I started this journey at 330lbs and am now down to 296.4lbs. Back in the 200's baby! My week has been so busy and I was to tired to even look at my computer. Last night at work I spent 8 hours sitting next to a chocolate cake with chocolate icing , my favorite besides cheesecake, but I didn't have any. I was surprised by how hard it was to just say no. In the past I would have eaten 2-3 pieces and although I did want it I wouldn't let myself have even one. It is a fight everyday. I had a 28 year relationship with McDonalds. Me and Ronald McDonald were in love. I have made up my mind though and we are OFFICIALLY OVER. I want to be "normal". I wish food wasn't such a struggle. I knew this wouldn't be easy though and I accepted that before even considering the surgery. So I'm gonna stop complaining and SUCK IT UP! (just please lord don't let that cake be there again tonight)

So much hope

So we had a new employee start last night. We got to talking and she told me she was banded 20+ years ago. Shes had no problems and looks wonderful.She is super healthy and even got off all her meds.  I'm so excited to have met her and I hope to gain from her experience. Also where I work there are a couple girls who are on the fence about the lap band. I almost feel as if they are watching to see how I do before they make a decision. Talk about pressure..... Just got home from work and have to be back at work in less then 7 hours so I'm making this short. Today is my official weigh in day so when I do get back up I will post my weight. Please I'm begging for some loss. Any loss! I can't wait for my first fill on May 10th although I hate needles so I will proably be a big baby.

Weight Restrictions!

I am very open about being banded. People ask me a lot what my goal weight is and all I say is I want to be healthy. Today I realized what my goals truly are. I want to be smaller then my husband. He is 6 foot and 230lbs. He is in so much better shape. I'm sick of being the fat wife! I didn't even feel at ease on my wedding day which should have been one of the happiest days of my life. I was thinking the whole time we probably looked like the number 10.  I want to ride roller coasters again without the embarrassment of having to leave the ride because the bar wont close or fit over me.Went with my niece and nephew to the boardwalk today and they have rides. I didn't want to go on anything because I was scared I couldn't fit in the seats or I would get stuck. I want to stop looking at what the weight restriction is on EVERYTHING. I went to buy a new patio set last year and found myself asking "how much weight do these chairs hold?" to the skinny teenage kid. (He just shrugged by the way). I want to shop in a regular store. I love the clothes at certain stores but of course they go up to size 12/14 which is way to small. I also am sick to death of spending 2-5 dollars more for the plus size clothes then the normal clothes.   Those are my goals silly they may seem to some but these are some things that will truly make me happy. Thank you also for reading my blog and showing me so much support.

Just another stalker

So after stalking the lap band blogs for about 3 weeks I've decided to make my own. I fear that I may not be as interesting and articulate as some of the other bloggers but I'm hoping that by starting this blog I will be more likely to hold myself responsible for my weight loss. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me. Anyway I was banded on March 31st 2011 and am currently in bandster hell. I started getting hungry last week and seem to not be able to stop thinking all day "I'm Hungry!!!". I eat and will feel full but then in a hour or two I am hungry again. I am trying to ignore it and just drink my water. I know I am sometimes eating more ounces then I should and then that makes me ashamed and mad at myself. I'm currently at 3-4 ozs but sometimes I don't measure well and know that I ate 5-6ozs instead of what I should. I know also that I have a food addiction and the mental hunger is the worst part. If I am being honest with myself I am also not getting enough protein. I hate the protein shakes that I once loved. After surgery they tasted to sweet. I just ordered unjury unflavored so we will see how that goes. I hope this gets better but I know its a longgggg journey that I am just starting. I am determined to do work my band....I just need to close my mouth already! I am lucky that I have a very supportive husband and family....although my family is more easy to convince to try my new recipes. Not so much the DH. I made cauliflower mock potatoes tonight for dinner with flounder. He wouldn't even look at the cauliflower....sigh....what can you do? He is wonderful in every other way though and I couldn't get through this without him and my sisters. Sorry such a long first post...as if anyone else is reading this....